34 Responses to “Abstinence? Yeah, right — students reveal shockers online”

1. Neil Fiertel Says:
   March 5th, 2010 at 3:01 pm

   Abstinence is a non starter. Looking back over my long life wherein as a teen abstinence was de rigeuer and more or less the facts of life back then it did not make any of the kids that I hung out with happier. Our conversations and fantasies believe me were not about fast cars and speedy jets but about Mary and Janey and Sally ( and I suspect with the gay young boys, Bill, Gary and Fred but I digress!) The reality is no longer the fantasy but in a way, the nightmare..unprotected and undignified sexual encounters. I strongly suggest that the US school systems get real and teach sex education as they do why I live today, in Canada in which all kids in the public school systems get a serious and involved class which deals with in an honest co-educational environment sexuality, safe sex, birth control, use of condoms and relationships and what they mean. As well, the consequences and situatons regarding teen pregnancy, abortion and how to avoid that sad consequence. Honest to God, when is the US going to start facing facts about its kids? Sex, HIV, STDs, pregnancies, sadness, broken teen lives all around and in the meantime the lunatic right wing naysayers prevent proper sex/relationship ed is pushing abstinence. It makes me crazy to think that my birthplace is more like Iran than like the Western World. Sex is not going to go away by wishing it away any more than Nancy Reagan’s stupd “Just Say No” As one teen said on her sweatshirt..Just Say Yo…indeed that is what the kids are saying and doing with no understanding of consequences and responsibilities. Do something about it before the young generation finds itself in the third world of poverty and disease, teen pregnancy beyond what is already a disaster with no future, no education and the poverty concomitant with teens raising babies.

2. Melanie Clark Says:
   March 5th, 2010 at 4:21 pm

   As a child of the 80s, the message we received in Jr. high and high school, in the midst of the AIDS scare bornout from misunderstanding, was “If you have sex you will get pregant, get AIDS, and DIE!!!” If that were true then why are all of our parents still living? Kids can see through that scare tactic and then they disregard us (adults) because they think we’re hypocrites.

   As a Health teacher and the parent of 2 teenagers and 1 pre-teen, I think it’s most important that we teach kids HOW to think, not WHAT to think. If students are carefully guided through research-based facts, provided with guided practice in communication and refusal skills, and allowed to openly and honestly explore the alternatives and possible consequences of each alternative (both postitve and negative), they are much more likely to make a good decision and delay sexual activity when they are on their own.

   Teachers and schools however are only part of the equation. Kids NEED adults in their lives who say “I care about you” and “Please delay sex until…” Each family has a different expectation of when “until” is but the message should be to delay sex until they are equiped with the emotional tools to deal with the outcomes of sex whether that be after high school, after college, after marriage, etc. I can deliver that message to my students but it means SO much more and has a much greater impact if it comes from Mom, Dad, or grandparents in a very clear way.

   One might ask, why are there conflicting study results? Which one is right? One study concludes “teach abstinence; it works” while the other suggests, “teach contraception and condoms; it works.” Those results are not mutually exclusive. Lets make sure we teach both sides of sex, not only the physical piece but also the emotional piece. We need to start talking more about relationships and love and the emotional consequences of early sexual activity. Some parents and kids believe sex should be saved for “someone they truly love” but how many adults can define or explain life-long lasting love? Look at our divorce rate for example. Perhaps many parents aren’t even really sure what they want their kids to wait for? If adults can’t figure it out, how are we to expect a 12-20 year old can figure it out? The concepts of self-respect and commitment are just as important, if not moreso, as the statistics of disease, pregnancy, and efficacy rate of methods of contraception.

   To summarize, we as adults, many of whom experienced the heart break and social stigma of early sexual activity, all know kids need to wait for sex but turning the decision making process into “you should wait because I said so” is doing a disservice to them. They need a strong message that abstinence is the safest choice but that message must be backed up with WHY it is the safest choice. They need facts, not scare tactics, and they need caring adults to help them go through the decision-making process so they can explore the sides of the story they may not consider because they are young and therefore inexperienced, and mostly unable to fully grasp the concept of time; 4 years is impossibly too far away much less 15 or 50. Teens are smarter than most adults give them credit for and they want to make good decisions. They just need us to help them learn how.

3. Kelly Says:
   March 5th, 2010 at 4:23 pm

   I feel that there needs to be more of a focus on educating the male population about values toward females, and put more retraints on them instead of the females.

4. Catherine Says:
   March 5th, 2010 at 4:48 pm

   I just finished teaching the sex ed unit to 2 high school freshman classes. I asked them to write an honest reflection at the end on whether abstinence can really be done or not. 80% said it would be really hard, but if you surround yourself by the right people and be careful of what you watch on TV and the computer, it can be done.

5. Susan Says:
   March 5th, 2010 at 5:22 pm

   I was a teenager in the free and easy 70s. Although my family emphasized abstinence, my mother also talked with me about making responsible choices and birth control. She made her preference clear, but understood that the final decision was mine. I talked with my children about the same kinds of things with the additional concerns about HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases that were prevalent by the 90s. I have younger relatives who have been taught abstinence-based sex ed in high school. They were even told that condoms don’t work! That was a dangerous lie to tell young people. None of them remained abstinent any more than most people of my generation did. However, they learned that teachers were willing to lie to attempt to influence their behavior. A balanced and realistic approach to sex ed in schools would have served them much better.

6. Mr Anon Y Mous Says:
   March 5th, 2010 at 5:54 pm

   Abstience only eduction alone has been demonstrated to not lower sexual activity, teen pregnancy or incidents of STDs. When combined with more traditional “sex” education in which phyiscal health, emotional health, communication skills, birth control, and impact/outcomes of sexual activity are taught, both all three outcomes change. Learning how to address peer pressure and navigate through sexual development goes a lot further than telling children and teenagers to “just say no” to sex.

7. Janice Says:
   March 5th, 2010 at 5:59 pm

   The message is not that “condoms don’t work” so much as it is that “condoms aren’t perfect”. There are times when they fail, and teenagers are more likely to experience a pregnancy when they fail than us older folks because of their age. And it’s not like STDs or pregnancy are the only consequences. We are doing them a huge disservice by not making that abundantly clear. In the end, when they are handed birth control, aren’t we essentially saying “go ahead, its just not that big of a deal”?

   We need to emphasize thinking long-term about handling the consequences, and make sure they are aware of all the possible consequences. How can they know about emotional consequences before they experience them?

8. Chuck Marth Says:
   March 5th, 2010 at 6:23 pm

   I teach Health to 10th graders we teach a comprehensive sex education program but stress Abstinence, until they are mentally, emotionally and financially capable of caring for a baby. In the school we teach the science of contraception for the prevention of pregnancy and transition of STD’s. I send home a worksheet that the parents and students are to complete together to create a dialogue between them. I know that some of the parents look at their child and see that innocent 7 year old; the work sheet is designed to get them to think of child as a young adult at a point in their lives when a poor decision about risky sexual behavior can profoundly alter their lives. My students are from many different ethnic and religious backgrounds we do not teach about the proper use of contraception to undercut their family values, but to build their base of knowledge so they can make intelligent decisions when the time is right for them. It is important for parents to sit down and have a frank discussion about what is acceptable behavior and what is not. In the article it reported a story about a girl having sex in a bathroom and getting caught, I am willing to bet that she was even more sexually active away from campus. We as parents have gotten too wrapped up with trying to provide more things than our parents provided many families have both parents working leaving their teenagers to fend for themselves between 3 & 5 PM. Some students are out until 2-3AM on school nights, most leaving their homes after the parents have gone to bed returning before they get up. These students who have little parental supervision are at greatest risk of teen pregnancy or contracting a STD, some like HIV having little or no symptoms for 10 years but yet can still pass the disease along. We expect our teens to act with adult intelligence but yet we treat them as small children when we try to teach them to just say NO without teaching them all the alternatives that are out there. Are we preparing them to be adults in today’s society or are we just providing teen daycare? I also recommend that both student and parent watch together a movie called “Lost Children of Rockdale County” . It should spark some discussion.

9. Marty Says:
   March 5th, 2010 at 6:26 pm

   The problem with the notion that you can educate teens into correct sexual behavior is that the rational parts of the teen brain aren’t well developed so they are never going to make the correct choices based on rationality. No sex ed course is ever going to be effective because teens are functioning on stimulus response not reason. So we have to ask ourselves the question, is it a good idea for teens to be having sex and I think any rational adult will say “NO!”. So how do we deal with the issue? The approach I’m hearing from many is they’re going to do it anyway so just tell them “be safe”. This is a bit like telling a teenager, its a bad idea for you to drive without a license but you know where the keys are and here’s a copy of the Highway Dept’s manual on safety; don’t have wreck. No body would think about dealing with driving in this way. Why do we do this with sex? I keep hearing that abstinence based courses don’t work and that may be true, but giving teens explicit instruction on how to have sex and a box of condoms certainly isn’t going to work better.

10. Jake Says:
    March 5th, 2010 at 6:28 pm

    Many STDs are for life. They never go away. Teen motherhood (teen fathers who stick around are extremely rare) has a huge impact on education level and lifetime earnings. Those facts need to be hammered home. A few minutes of youthful passion can change a kid’s entire life.

    However, the incidence of teen pregnancy and STDs in students who practice abstinence is ZERO. Abstinence is the only ABSOLUTELY GUARANTEED method to prevent pregancy and STDs.

    If fact is not hammered home, students cannot make an “informed choice.”

11. Christian view Says:
    March 5th, 2010 at 6:33 pm

    When God is left out, here come the problems. Teaching abstinence may not work if the child doesn’t believe in God; doesn’t believe he/she has to be accountable for his/her actions. If we would turn back to Him and truly follow His ways, this would not be an issue.

12. John Says:
    March 5th, 2010 at 6:40 pm

    I think the answer is to vilify and criminalize sexual behavior. After all, we’re a Christian society and that’s what being a good Christian is all about. It’s either our way or the highway. that’s the only acceptable solution and the one I’m voting for at the next election.

    Join me at the TEA party!

13. Bill Says:
    March 5th, 2010 at 6:57 pm

    While I understand, and am appalled, at the conservative rejection of science, the unavoidable DATA is rather emphatic. Some approaches work, while others are dismal failures. The rigorous studies of the short and long term effectiveness of the various instructional approaches would seem to close the door on the abstinence only approach. Until we accept and pursue strategies which are likely to succeed we will have no influence. But, then again, rationally determined, scientifically sound interventions require abandoning some medieval religious teachings. Are we ready for that?

14. Jeff Says:
    March 5th, 2010 at 7:10 pm

    And alcohol consumption went down during prohibition. Should we try that again?

15. Dow Says:
    March 5th, 2010 at 7:50 pm

    I’m appalled at John’s response to vilify and criminalize sexual behavior. As a Christian, a scientist, and once long ago a 16 year old male in high school, I can say that it was non-judging adults who I thought really cared that had any effect on my actions at all. If there is no way to keep the precious innocence of children from learning all about sex, then there has to a parent/school partnership to protect them. Adults can make their own mistakes, but children have to be protected from themselves until they are mature enough to realize the consequences of their actions. Education is fine, but caring dedicated adults, mainly parents, have more to do with a child growing up right than a class at school. I think we have to get away from thinking a child centric approach does much. If any educational funding is available it should be applied toward parents! Teach them the reality of what their kids are facing and motivate them to be more involved with their children on this topic. Community and school partnerships are a good thing when requesting funding. I’m pretty libertarian in political views. I don’t associate those libertarian views to this issue except just to say we shouldn’t encourage government to grow into this area as strictly child oriented educational programs. However, educating and motivating parents would be at this point, with these statistics, not a bad idea!

16. D.R. Says:
    March 5th, 2010 at 9:44 pm

    John’s being ironic, Dow. But your point is good: we bombard kids with sex 24/7. Then we get our panities in a knot when they respond? Adolescents have always behaved dangerously and impetuously when given the opportunity. This is why they were rigorously chaperoned by caring adults in the past. We don’t do that any more. We give them cars, access to alchohol and drugs, keys to the house, and unlimited freedom. How shocking that they do what they want. Kids haven’t changed. Adults have simply refused to behave like adults. Too many parents prefer to be a friend rather than an adult.

17. John in SC Says:
    March 5th, 2010 at 10:27 pm

    The article referenced below says it much better than I can. Can we learn nothing from others? Not even when the maternal death rate in the US ranks 33rd in the world, behind Slovenia, Croatia, and others? How long will we maintain the illusion that in the US it’s always “We’re number 1″?

    Adolescent Sexual Health in Europe and the U.S.—Why the Difference?

    http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=419&Itemid=177

18. king Says:
    March 5th, 2010 at 11:21 pm

    John: Vilify and criminalize sex. Yeah, right, john. That is the way both I and my wife were raised. So here is the way it worked out for us. I woke up every morning and went to bed every night with a raving need for sex with the love of my life. She took a que from her upbringing and all the sitcoms in the 70′s and refused me sex and ridiculed me for wanting sex except for about 3 days a month when she was in heat. After 15 years of that my libido dropped dead one day. Well, I thought that was great. But the real nightmares were just beginning. Testosterone levels drop out of sight causing all kinds of mental and physical health problems. Libido death is like alcoholism, it causes a chemical change in the brain that is permanent and irreversible. Next follows the contempt and condescension from a wife once she realizes you’re profoundly impotent and she really would like to have sex a couple of times a month and, well, you can no longer do it, and that’s not HER fault, so she may as well find some one who can. Of course all this happens after one has gotten neck deep in church, society, real estate, mortgages, and kids, and the nightmare gets steadily worse as life continues. All because I decided to be decent, honest and loyal. What a dumb stupid horrible decision. With all the anger and bitterness in me there’s no way in hell God would even think about letting me into heaven, if there is one, so, what was the point? Who benefited? You John, I guess, probably makes you feel all clean inside, to know you help to create and perpetuate such misery here on earth.

19. Craig Says:
    March 6th, 2010 at 1:48 am

    Education should be about teaching facts. Withholding factual information can be considered a lie of omission. Teaching students how sex works and ALL the ways of preventing pregnancy is teaching them facts. This should be taught as soon as students are at the age to become pregnant or to inseminate others. Teaching them “abstinence only” is a lie of omission. By lying to students, the teacher loses credibility. With the Internet, is there anyone out there who thinks that most students will not detect this lie? Our system of education currently has a crises of credibility anyway. Do we really need to make it worse?

20. Swedes know Says:
    March 6th, 2010 at 11:11 am

    First of all, John was making a point using irony; he wasn’t expecting to be read literally. Second, if we really were to bring “God” into the sex ed discussion, as “Christian View” suggests, which version of “God” should we choose?
    Consider this: Kids are aware of themselves as sensual creatures. Hasn’t anyone out there read Freud? Children are not asexual. They are sexual beings from the time they figure out that they get pleasure from the senses— and their sexual organs. This does not make them any less innocent, of course. It just makes them human. We need to recognize that children are thinking about, looking at, and experiencing their bodies (as if no one out there did this as a child!) and to find age-appropriate ways to build upon the reality of their experience. Sex will mean different things to kids at different ages. The more comfortable kids feel with the idea of their bodily urges as biological rather than moral, the less likely they will become repressed. A repressed person, regardless of age, will have an unhealthy relationship with sexuality and will be more likely to get hurt and hurt others through inappropriate sexual behavior. Scare tactics, moralizing and ignoring the perfectly natural urges kids feel are not the answers. I think, however, that young people will be less likely to recklessly share the body they have been taught to respect rather than to distrust or hate. They will also be likely to respect the bodies of others. Ever wonder why certain countries have so much more rape and pedophilia than others?

21. Dee Says:
    March 6th, 2010 at 2:04 pm

    I think there are too many people who just shoot from the hip without any forethought. I point to those who actually attacked John’s post even though it was clearly a sarcastic response to those who think preaching that having sex is wrong to kids will actually accomplish anything. These are the same people who refuse to acknowledge the obvious; that children will be sexually active. To those “look to God” people, you don’t help either. Did you ever wonder why Nature makes males sexually peak in their late teens? Why do girls become fertile at such an early age? Back when life expectancy was around 35, people had to be parents young. Now we are trying to impose societal values on young people who are being driven by natural desires. Here’s the reality…kids will have sex. Deal with it. How you deal with it will determine if your child gets pregnant or not or develops an STD. I would rather learn my child is sexually active because I found condoms in his room than by finding out he got a girl pregnant. Or my daughter coming to me for advice on safe sex. That would not be my first choice but I would not deny them the knowledge, advice or help they seek.

22. Chuck Marth Says:
    March 6th, 2010 at 3:53 pm

    Dee makes a good point; My grand Parents were married at the age of 13 and 14 and were set up on a small farm in north central Illinois as a wedding present from their combined parents. They ended up having 13 children (I always thought it was for free labor). Look at how we treat our kids today instead of teaching them to be responsible we do more and more for them until we get to a point that they cannot make a life decision. 50 years ago children would leave the home and set out on their own. Look at how many 30+ children are still living at home not out of necessity to care for a parent but to continue to have the elder parent continue to care for them. We do not hold today’s students accountable for their decisions, holding them accountable even at an early age with simple tasks like putting their toys away when their done playing with them, starts them out making good decisions. In some of the earlier entries it was being assumed that it is impossible for a teen to make a good decision. I disagree decision making is a skill and it needs to be practiced as soon as possible so when they reach the age when they need to make a decision like having sex they make the right one for them. I understand that the teen brain has not fully developed when the urge to have sex kicks in but if they were allowed to train their brains prior to that point they are able to make better decisions. To say a teen can’t make a good decision is ridiculous we are sending 18-19 year olds into battle and they are making life and death decisions every day. Just like politics it seems like the swing of a pendulum 50-60 years ago when a student reached 17-18 his hat was handed to him and pushed out the door to start their own life. Today we have 30-35 year olds still being taken care of by their parents. If we don’t teach our children how to make decisions and take responsibility for those decisions we should not get upset when they make bad ones. Whether the student is taught abstinence only or comprehensive sex education if we teach them to make good decisions early on they will when the time comes. I believe that the more correct information they have the better decisions they will make and should all the facts. I don’t believe that passing out condoms is good if a student has decided to have sex he or she should be adult enough to buy them themselves.

23. C.G. Says:
    March 6th, 2010 at 3:54 pm

    The interesting thing about both sides of this issue is that both sides are looking at this as a “problem to fix”. The kids are people, not a problem. People have choices. Environments influence both the type of choices and whether or not the kids have the inner strength to make a choice. If “abstinence doesn’t work” is true, then AA should never work. AA works when you have all of the pieces in place. It doesn’t when you don’t. Abstinence works in a certain environment. Sex education works in a certain environment. Condoms work in a certain environment. One side says, “Kids will have sex,” but some parents say, “My kids will not have sex until they are married.” In a nurturing environment, that works most of the time. In a restrictive environment, that does not work most of the time. The kids run off looking for sex. The difficulty I see in the field of education as a whole is that people want a Silver Bullet. As long as you are dealing with human beings, there isn’t one. People are as invidual as grains of sand on a beach.

24. Chris Says:
    March 7th, 2010 at 10:03 pm

    1. Surveys aren’t always accurate reflections of behavior. I.e. people lie on surveys all the time.

    2. All this sex education is evolutionary suicide (if you want humans to be smart and responsible).

    Smarter kids (who learn the lesson to put off making babies); the ones who go off to college; and have careers, etc., are out competed in the baby department by the kids with less intellect and no ambition or social responsibility. We should be encouraging smart kids to make a lot of babies and to start at a young age.

    i speak from experience, sadly.

25. Patty Says:
    March 8th, 2010 at 2:43 pm

    We need to be teaching, not preaching to, our children that sex is a responsibility. It’s the hottest thing going and our strongest instinct as human animals. We need to let our children know that we know this and that we understand what they are feeling. We need to teach our children that everytime we irresponsible sex that we risk the consequences of loss of self-respect, pregnancy, disease, emotional upset, etc. We need to teach our children by example. We need to respect ourselves and have only the kind of sexual encounters that we would recommend to our children. We, as adults, need to set the example by not watching programs that have sexual situations that we find irresponsible or have reading materials or any other items that depict sex in ways that we are telling our children are irresponsible. That is hypocrisy and our children see through that. We need to give our children the information about their bodies and their sexuality that they need so that they can make responsible choices. We need to remind our children that we are not like dogs and cats who mate at every opportunity. We have the gift of dicernment and we should use that gift in all areas of our life, including our sexuality.

26. glynda Says:
    March 8th, 2010 at 6:02 pm

    Neil Fiertel says, “The reality is no longer the fantasy but in way, the nightmare, unprotected and undignified sexual encounters.” So, why not open up more cots in the nurses stations, curtain them off for privacy, hand out the condoms and let’em go at it? God forbid they should be caught by the janitor again–how embarrassing! We can’t have shame connected with teenage sex. That’s bad for their self-esteem, unlike a teen pregnancy, and abotion or an STD (which, by the way, is small enough to make it through the condom). Way to be supportive!

27. AJ Johnson Says:
    March 12th, 2010 at 3:58 pm

    A study last November entitled: Sex on TV linked to teen pregnancy: study, showed that students that watch more sex on TV do it more….Duh! Anyhow, the problem is much bigger than just education. We should sue the TV networks like we did the tobacco companies to pay for the problem they helped create!

28. Daleus Says:
    March 12th, 2010 at 4:20 pm

    I think the biggest shocker of all has nopthing to do with abstinence.

    Rather, I find it highly pathetic that anything on a talk show could be mistaken for reality, instead the shock appeal.

    Kids telling the truth on tv? Puh-leez! How gulligble can you get?

29. Debbie Says:
    March 12th, 2010 at 6:18 pm

    Scott’s “new study” was based on twelve-year olds, not teens. If girls are becomming sexually active at 15, an abstinance based study of twelve year olds is going to produce optimistic but deceptive results.

30. ME Says:
    March 12th, 2010 at 8:18 pm

    We need to have some moral standards re-introduced to what we allow our kids to listen to. The # 3 song, and many others have “tame” lyrics such as these..
    Oh Baby,
    I Be Stuck To You,
    Like Glue Baby,
    Wanna Spend It All On You,
    Baby,
    My Room Is The G Spot,
    Call Me Mr. Flintstone,
    I Can Make Your Bed Rock
    This is what they listen to, and it gets much worse. There is no alternative either.

31. Rob Says:
    March 12th, 2010 at 8:41 pm

    LOL OMG people actually listen to that crap? What ever happened to Endless love with mariah carey and luthor vandros. heart moving songs have been displaced by vulgar, rediculous lyrics.

32. Andy Says:
    March 15th, 2010 at 10:58 am

    Elephant in the room: pornography (Internet and cable). Despite the jokes about Tiger Woods’ sex addiction, there is a quickly growing body of research on porn and sex addiction. The neurochemical effects of porn justify referring to it as a chemical addiction. Moreover, porn provides a script for behavior. Research has also born out that degrading sexual lyrics and bombardment by not-quite-pornographic images across media have powerful, often longterm effects.
    Any discussion about rational choices in sexual behavior cannot be taken seriously without factoring in the usually unacknowledged juggernaut of pornography. Age of first exposure to porn in the U.S. in a few studies is now at 11. The younger the age, the more easily those images get imprinted in the mind.
    When teens shift from the “unnatural” power of pornography-fantasy-induced orgasms to actual sex with another person, consider the results. After being conditioned to experience sexual as something about themselves only (the “bonding chemicals” released in orgasm lead the masturbator to bond with her/himself and the porn images), actual sex becomes a let down, requiring something more intense to match the porn-masturbation combo. Riskier, more extreme (in various ways) sexual behavior–often scripted by porn–becomes the way to get the release that only porn could give. Fast-forward: eventually, not even inundation with deviant porn will be enough; risky, deviant sexual behaviors (bestiality, group sex, prostitutes, violent sex, pederasty, experimentation with homo-, hetero-, or bisex) become the only way to get the “feel good” chemicals that once flowed so easily from porn. As Americans start their porn consumption at earlier ages, this process becomes all the more powerful and faster. Discussion about teen sex today as if it were no different than in the 60s, 70s, 80s, or even 90s is worthless.

33. Stacie Says:
    March 15th, 2010 at 1:03 pm

    Parents must be involved. As an educator, it is not the schools in the U.S. who are unwilling to teach the whole truth about sexual behavior. We are prevented from even talking about specific aspects by parents in our communities. We are often required to only discuss abstinence. Even when allowed to discuss birth control or other options we have limited reach. Children learn and respond much more strongly to their parents. Parents must openly discuss sexual behavior with their children if they want there to be an impact.

34. Dr. RTFM Says:
    March 16th, 2010 at 2:02 pm

    Christian view said “If we would turn back to [God] and truly follow His ways, this would not be an issue.” Wasn’t He the one who made Mary a teenage mother? I guess He hadn’t had his abstinence education ….

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